Passionate About Genesee County
and the Moms Who Live Here

I Wished Away the Baby Years

The entire time I was pregnant everyone told me: “you don’t really know what love it until you see that baby for the first time’. Every book I read implied the same, and my friends that were becoming mommas of their own couldn’t stop gushing about how amazing it was, to love someone so much, so fast.

Twenty something hours of labor of later, I held a beautiful, healthy boy in my arms. I kept waiting for it, when am I going to look at him and think this is the feeling I’ve never felt before…but nothing. He was mine to take care of, he was really cute, squishy, and that was that (I am picturing the horror on your face as you read this!). I was now a mom and so began the journey.

So there I was with a little person 24 hours a day, and to top it off this sweet boy was a crier. I’m not talking about a whimper here or there I am talking about nursing, sleeping in my arms, or screaming. Screaming to the point where you had to walk, jiggle, and play ‘Buffalo Soldier’ to even reduce it to an acceptable decibel. I remember taking him to an appointment and the look my friend gave me when she asked how I liked being a mom, and my response was something along the lines of I feel like have a little stranger attached to me.

I was freaked out, horrified. I thought I was a bad mom. I wanted this baby, and now he was here, but I wasn’t really sure what I was feeling. All I remember thinking, is” “I can’t wait until he is older and we don’t have to do this anymore“.

Looking back I probably should of told someone. Anyone. Instead, I chugged along because I didn’t know any different.

We kept nursing, rocking, and crying. I’d go to work pump all day, come home nurse all night, repeat over again. And throughout all of it I’d think

  • I can’t wait until you’re bigger
  • I can’t wait until I feel like your my child as opposed to a little person I have around

Yes, you are reading that right, I wished my sweet big chunk of a baby away. And for what reason?  I kept comparing myself and the relationship I was having with my baby to what I was “supposed” to be having.

Fast-forward a few months later, to me sitting in his room rocking him (as he still won’t fall asleep on his own, oops!), scrolling through pictures on my phone and it hit me: look how little he was, look at his little face, I never want him to be bigger than this moment. Tears started streaming down my face as I came downstairs and tried to explain, half sobbing, to my husband that I felt so horrible, that I am a bad person, that I literally wished his baby months away.  

In that moment my husband said exactly what I needed: “he never was a stranger and he’s always going to be your baby.” And right there I figured it out.  That was our bond, that was our relationship.  It wasn’t necessarily like the books, I didn’t cry my whole first day back to work.  I didn’t always have to want to squeeze him, I didn’t have to love nursing, and I could still love him and be his momma.  The part that stood out the most was that he would never be the same, he would never be that baby again, and I would truly miss that. I didn’t need to scream that so-called “new mom feeling” from the mountain top, I didn’t need to post thousands of pictures of him on Facebook elaborating how my life is now complete in order to be a good mom. I didn’t need to instantly love him half naked in a hospital room with people poking at my parts. I just needed to be his mom.

Now as my friends have babies I do my best to not say ‘isn’t it the most wonderful feeling in the world?’ because I know first hand its not all the time, and as a mom you may not feel that way. If you look forward to going back to work so you can have a moment without another person touching you, it’s totally OK. And, if it takes 8 months later and scrolling through thousands of iPhone pictures to truly realize that you can’t picture life without that little babe, then that’s how it is.

Everyone has their own feelings, and just because you don’t have the same as everyone else doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom, it just means you’re human. I just wish before hand someone would have told me the same thing.

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3 Responses to I Wished Away the Baby Years

  1. Kelly Yorke March 14, 2017 at 7:57 am #

    Loved this! You hear so much now about post partum depression and see those Pampers moments on TV and never hear/see anything in the middle.

    I never experienced Etta James singing “The First Time” when my son was placed in my arms, nor did I suffer major depression afterwards. I was a good mom. I took great care of my son and attended to his every need. I just didn’t like the baby stage. Yep, I said it.

    Things began changing around nine months and now at 15 months, I have so much fun with this little man. Watching him observe the world and figure things out is amazing, and the giggles and snuggles I get throughout the day make such large deposits to my love bank that I can (almost) handle all the attempts to splash in the toilet or break into the food pantry! 😉

    Thanks for your honesty and affirming that I wasn’t alone in feeling the way I did.

    • stephaniemitchell
      stephaniemitchell March 29, 2017 at 12:06 pm #

      And I thank you right back for the comment! You are right it never was like in the commercials and I completely agree its gotten much better with time, always helps to know we are not alone in the way we feel as mothers and as humans!

  2. katiemollon
    katiemollon March 29, 2017 at 1:24 pm #

    I totally agree, Kelly! Newborns are cute. But there’s nothing more rewarding than the interactions <3